My future as a drummer

Yesterday I bought an electronic drum kit (Alesis DM7X in case you're interested).  I've never owned an electronic kit before, but it has been something I've been considering for a few years now.  I've lived in apartments since moving to Denver 12 years ago and I thought it would be nice to have a way to practice at home.  Obviously I can't set up my acoustic kit in an apartment.  Those of you who have seen me play or have played with me know I play LOUD.  I suppose I could set everything up and jam if I didn't care about my neighbors.  But as of this writing, that is not something I'm considering.

Before I begin, I want to say that writing this is a little hard for me.  It is intended as a commentary and not as a criticism against those people I was in bands with, other bands I have shared stages with, the promoters I've worked with over the years.  However several of those experiences have left a distinct bitter taste that I don't care to hide.  It is also an acknowledgement of perceived personal failures.  Not the failure of not becoming a rock star, but rather the failure of putting my faith in so many of the wrong people.  At the end of the day, it is extraordinarily difficult for me to look back at the last 12 years as anything other than a waste of time.  I do try to be entertaining in these blogs for the most part, and whether I succeed or not is truly a subjective matter, but this post will be personal and honest.  And no matter who you are, baring a piece of your soul for the world to see is a daunting thought.  Please read this knowing that this comes from a damaged place and it is not intended to be a personal attack at any one person, group, or other.

Anyway, I felt like writing some of my thoughts regarding being a musician and my "career" up to this point.  Also I wanted to touch a little bit on the future and the state of the music scene I happen to be living in and how it pertains to me.

So to start with, I moved to Denver in 2003.  I've basically been playing drums in bands since age 12 or 13, 7th grade.  Those were mostly garage band types.  We played basement parties and those types of things, but nothing professional.  2004 began the idea that would eventually form the band that I would spend the next 10 years with.  At first it was just myself and a singer, but in early 2005 I answered an ad from 2 guitar players who seemed to have common interests.  We jammed together and things seemed to click.  Eventually we brought in the singer and added a bass player and we were set.  We only had 2 lineup changes, bass player and one of our guitar players, and from 2005 - 2009 we played most of the mid-level venues in and around the Denver area.  I think we carved out a good reputation with most of the promoters and venues we were able to work with.  We quickly established ourselves as professional (which was pretty funny if you know the story) and as solid workers on stage.  We weren't the most popular band in Denver but we always brought a solid crowd with us.  At that point I don't think the goal was to be the most popular, in fact I don't think any of us cared about that at all.  The goal was just to write music and perform.  And we did just that.

The band took a hiatus in 2009.  I was quite lost during that time.  I tried to keep playing, but there was a familiarity and a camaraderie I shared with that band that I wasn't able to capture.  These people I had shared so many experiences over the previous 4 years were not replaceable.  They were my friends, they were my brothers, they were my family.

In 2011 the band decided to give things another run.  We had largely the same lineup, we had a new guitar player and our original bass player from 2005 came back to the fold, but the 3 of us who had been there from the beginning were still there.  Unfortunately I think so many things had changed that we were destined to fail.  It no longer seemed that writing and performing were what was driving everyone.  There was this underlying motivation of "making it" and writing a radio hit song.  I operated as the de facto manager for the band so I understand there is a business aspect to it.  But as a musician and as a performer I still believe the music and performing should be what pushes you, not the money, perceived fame, etc.

In 2013 I was ultimately replaced as the manager by an outside party and in December of that year I decided to leave the band.  January, 2014 was my final performance.  I will not tackle the details of my replacement or my departure at this time.  That is another story that I am still not ready to write.  I will say this regarding the situation.  If you are a local band, you do not need a manager.  I came from a DIY background and allowing an unaffiliated 3rd party handle your business is not at all something I am comfortable with.  I had developed a good working rapport with a number of these bookers and I felt like an asshole telling them they now had to deal with someone else.  Also, if you are a local band who has to tell people, "you can't talk to us about booking us, you have to talk to our manager", you are a douchebag.

As far as the musical climate, when I started playing in bands I started with jazz.  My first 2 "real" bands in high school were grunge.  I also played punk, nu metal, and a number of other styles.  I learned and pushed myself by playing along with bands like Deftones, Rage Against the Machine, Korn, Soundgarden, to name a few.  After I moved to Denver and we started this band, I would classify ourselves as alt-metal.  Bands like Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, and Chevelle were very much in fashion and I think the Denver music scene followed suit.  We always had plenty of good bands to book with and our sounds all seemed to compliment each other.  Since then it seems the musical climate has shifted.  Now Denver is flooded with "bro metal" and borderline death metal bands.  This is not at all my scene, nor is it anything I am interested in playing.  If anything I was trying to push our sound in more of a post-hardcore direction.  Think Story of the Year or A Day to Remember.  Another classification could be easycore (a fusion of metalcore and pop punk).  But my vision was not shared by the rest of the band.  I also bridge a generation gap between pre and post social media.  When I was coming up, the only way to let people know you had a show was to tell them.  That meant going to parties and talking to people, making flyers and handing them out, relying on your friends to tell people.  Then social media came along and offered a new tool to advertise to and communicate with your fans.  Ideally both should be utilized, but I think the younger generation relies on social media as their primary means of promotion and that does not work.  At the same time, the older generation hardly uses social media at all and that doesn't work either.  I'm in between those 2 extremes and I think that's the perfect place to be, utilizing both the old and the new school.  Social media is just a different avenue to achieve the same result.  Handing out flyers is equivalent to creating an event and sending out invites on Facebook.  The part that fails miserably in this case is the word of mouth.  If you accept an invite, you can then forward the invite to any of your friends.  Most people don't do this.  Understand as fans you are as responsible for a bands success or failure as the band.  We are all in this together and we all have a part to play.  But it falls apart if not everybody is willing to play their part.

In the 2 years that have followed since I left the band, I have been searching for another opportunity.  It's not like I've put everything away.  Far from it.  I realize I am not 20, but as far as energy goes I do not feel like I have slowed down at all.  I bring over 20 years of playing experience and almost 10 years of management experience.  And yet the sticking point is the style of music I want to play.  I have posted several ads on craigslist advertising myself.  I specifically am looking for a post-hardcore or easycore style of band.  I am not interested in playing metal and I have specifically worded this in every ad I have posted.  And yet, the only people I have been contacted by are people wanting to play metal.  I'm not sure if they just see "drummer" in the title and don't bother to read the rest of the ad, or if they feel like maybe they can convince me to play a different style than I'd like.  I do not want to play simply for the sake of playing.  I want to do something I am going to enjoy.  After all, at the end of the day being in a band is supposed to be fun.

So this brings me to the future part of this blog.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I don't know if I will ever be on stage again looking out over a crowd from behind my drums.  I do know that I have not wanted to play more in the past 2 years than I do right now.  I believe that is due to the new record releases by Strung Out, Breaking Benjamin, Bullet For My Valentine, and Atreyu this year.  My hope is deflated, however, by the thought that the musical climate I find myself surrounded by will not afford me the opportunity to play the type of music I want to hear.  I'm sure at this point there are several people asking, "well why don't you move to a different city?"  That thought has been prevalent in my mind for quite some time.  It is a scary proposition however to move to a new city by myself and start over.  I'd basically be hitting the reset button on my life and I don't care who you are or where you are in life, that is a scary thought.  Also, I find it interesting that the people who have no reason to change, whether they're happily married, or have kids, or have a home, or who have lived in one place their entire lives and never been anywhere else, are the first ones to stand up and tell you that you need to change.  Please walk in the other persons shoes and try to understand what they are going through and why they might feel a certain way before you start handing out "advice".

Perhaps there is more to this story that is yet to be written.  Perhaps there is a happy ending somewhere in the dark.  The hopeful optimist in me says there is because I feel like I have so much to offer, I only need the chance.  The realist (or pessimist, depending on your opinion) says this is the way things are and you'd better hurry up and accept it because there sure as Hell is nothing you can do to change it.  And then there's me, caught in the middle.  But I'm not a psychologist so what do I know.  Thank you for reading.